"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his bus."
--Jack Handy (and Me)

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone (and Me)