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You know how I am; I have to get things off my chest and onto paper. “Unload”, so to speak. I guess this part of me will never change although it has transcended, expanded and contracted.
It is alive as it breathes through me… as if I am an implement, a smoke delivery device, if you will. It draws in deeply, remaining there – in the very cavity my lonely heart dwells in until it becomes completely toxic requiring an expelling of all… through me.
Then, a desperate, short-lived, sigh of relief. (On the other hand, maybe, this is all just gas caused from that Me-I-could’ve-Bean Salad I’ve been cramming down my neck lately!)
I realize that thinking about the past is silly. That yesterday is irrelevant. I should totally be feeling this but, I’m not. I’m not convinced.
The past is not gone. It isn’t easy to say to myself, “Hey, live and learn!” - “Grow from here!” - “Your life is now”
…and the moments yet to come (that I am destined –or doomed- to pass in, I’ll greet with a positive attitude and Pro-activity coursing through my veins. I’ll be there with fucking bells on – Right?!!
Not when the last 11,745 days of bad decisions, reactions, no-actions, forgotten ideas, distracted plans, wasteful ways, self destruction, solid-real love/relationship deficiency has consumed all 281,880 minutes with regret and/or lead me here to where I am today.
Yes I regret my past. I’ve lived through 32 Christmas’, 14 Mother’s Days, a little over 200 menstrual cycles, 348 full moons. I’ve smoked damn near 10,000 cigarettes and sat on a toilet at least 40,000 times.
Does any of that add up to a happy yesterday story? No. Wednesday’s child is full of woe. Sunday’s child is in perpetual rest and restlessness.
I am an idiot. I am enveloped in the smoke of my own burning delirium, now scattered with the ashes – the cinders of sanity. I confront shadows. I can only implicate a thought. My creativity is illusive and peace is just a vision.
I have forgotten my purpose, young or old… lost the calling.
“Happiness is a state of mind.”
Sometimes we take off when we should take on and, if we fail to go within, we go without.
The big picture couldn’t be louder than a whisper so if I cover my mouth to smell the textures, I will fulfill the third part of me.
Melinda Marinko
It is alive as it breathes through me… as if I am an implement, a smoke delivery device, if you will. It draws in deeply, remaining there – in the very cavity my lonely heart dwells in until it becomes completely toxic requiring an expelling of all… through me.
Then, a desperate, short-lived, sigh of relief. (On the other hand, maybe, this is all just gas caused from that Me-I-could’ve-Bean Salad I’ve been cramming down my neck lately!)
I realize that thinking about the past is silly. That yesterday is irrelevant. I should totally be feeling this but, I’m not. I’m not convinced.
The past is not gone. It isn’t easy to say to myself, “Hey, live and learn!” - “Grow from here!” - “Your life is now”
…and the moments yet to come (that I am destined –or doomed- to pass in, I’ll greet with a positive attitude and Pro-activity coursing through my veins. I’ll be there with fucking bells on – Right?!!
Not when the last 11,745 days of bad decisions, reactions, no-actions, forgotten ideas, distracted plans, wasteful ways, self destruction, solid-real love/relationship deficiency has consumed all 281,880 minutes with regret and/or lead me here to where I am today.
Yes I regret my past. I’ve lived through 32 Christmas’, 14 Mother’s Days, a little over 200 menstrual cycles, 348 full moons. I’ve smoked damn near 10,000 cigarettes and sat on a toilet at least 40,000 times.
Does any of that add up to a happy yesterday story? No. Wednesday’s child is full of woe. Sunday’s child is in perpetual rest and restlessness.
I am an idiot. I am enveloped in the smoke of my own burning delirium, now scattered with the ashes – the cinders of sanity. I confront shadows. I can only implicate a thought. My creativity is illusive and peace is just a vision.
I have forgotten my purpose, young or old… lost the calling.
“Happiness is a state of mind.”
Sometimes we take off when we should take on and, if we fail to go within, we go without.
The big picture couldn’t be louder than a whisper so if I cover my mouth to smell the textures, I will fulfill the third part of me.
Melinda Marinko
posted by Melminda at 7/10/2005 12:15:00 PM
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